What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 09:53
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I have no regrets .
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And i lived it daily.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
If babies could write, what questions would they ask on Quora?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Who then, do I blame.?
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My family never makes their pension either.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Why am I so triggered and depressed over a minor thing?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why don't we hear our own snoring?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We all went to grammer schools
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was scared of men, in general
I will be 64.
I was very sick at this time too.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
What did i know ?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But it wasn’t much.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is soul school!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So whats the point in blame.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
All the time i was locked up.
Comes on , in middle age.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He knew the spot.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She loved him until the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I don,t even have a pension.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One cannot live in the past .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
When she asked me how she looked .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So, i spoilt her more .
I said to her
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Would this be the day?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
We were not on the streets..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My life is so biszare .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
It was going to be , some day.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Ive learnt so much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I think the readers, may guess!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.